Reboot Recap: Love on Ice
Holy apocalypse, I'm back!
I recently read a tweet from an actual real blogger and author that said something along the lines of "now's the time to start that blog you've always thought about writing." And I went, oh right, I had one of those, and it was kinda fun, and I like to write, and even if only 10 people read it maybe it'll make them laugh, and it will give me something to do during the End Times. (Dressing the cats up in costumes gets old pretty fast. For them, not for me.)
I was going to recap Love on Iceland for my reboot recap, but then I accidentally deleted it from my DVR. (Don't worry, it's airing again in June so I'll get to it, I know you are upset to have missed it.) Instead, I've decided to recap Love on Ice which I'm sure will have the exact same premise as Love on Iceland so you won't be missing anything.
Go wash your hands, pour yourself a glass of wine, remove your mask (but only if you're safely inside your house), and settle in. This is a long one as I get my snarky recapping stride back!
The Movie: Love on Ice
The Premise: A lady used to be a champion ice skater but isn't any more and then a man helps her remember how great she is because the only way women recognize their value is through the eyes of men.
Starring: Wait, I've Seen This Person Before!
Julie Berman: Lots of actual respectable-ish things (she's even won a (Daytime) Emmy!) such as Casual, Chicago Med, and General Hospital
Andrew Walker: Every Hallmark Channel movie ever, including this one.
Original Air Date: January 7, 2017, Hallmark Channel
We open on our heroine Emily (Julie Berman) slamming her hand onto an alarm clock. Ok, this movie aired in 2017 but that was only 3 years ago and were people still using alarm clocks 3 years ago? I haven't had one since I moved into my current apartment NINE years ago. (Side note: I fairly recently matched with a guy on an online dating site who said he still used an alarm clock and I thought that was cute in a quirky way but then the next thing he said in his profile was that he required someone who showered at night and changed the sheets before getting into bed and I was like NOPE that's a little more than quirky.) Anyway... Emily is on her way to the rink! Because this movie involves falling in LOVE ON ICE in case you weren't sure.
Someone who is definitely not the actress Julie Berman spins around on the ice and then actual Julie Berman finishes up teaching a class to children, when a younger skater Emily used to teach arrives to say she wishes she could still be in Emily's class but now she is a CHAMPION and needs a different coach. I wonder who Young Champion's coach will be? (It's going to be the guy. Duh.)
SPENCER PATTERSON (what a name!), played by Andrew Walker, shows up at Hildy's cafe and Emily waits on him and he asks if they still have breakfast and she says they have it all day and he says ok I'll take that and some coffee and WAIT. Breakfast is not a food item. IS SHE JUST GOING TO BRING HIM ALL THE BREAKFAST FOODS? Patty (I'm calling him Patty) is of course the coach for Young Champion and when Emily introduces herself he immediately recognizes her for the star she once was but Emily insists that was a long time ago. Patty immediately resolves to help her get her mojo back. (This thought is not expressed but it's clearly in his head.) And also to get her into bed. (Also only in his head.)
Hildy has the same IKEA fake plants as I do so that's fun. Patty exposits that it's been eight years since Emily was a star and what the hell happened to her? (My guess: she got old. Aren't all champion figure skaters like 18? Julie Berman is my age and I am not even close to 18.) Hildy says "she came home" because that's a good reason to give up your dreams.
Emily has dinner with a friend whose name I missed and I don't care because she's boring. However, Boring Friend lets us know that Emily was supposed to be in the Olympics (I FREAKING LOVE THE OLYMPICS) and some ominous music plays so I'm guessing there's more to Hildy's story than Emily just coming home. Oh, yup, it's a dead mom. It's always a dead parent, how could I forget? I'm ashamed of myself. I promise to do better.
Young Champion's mom is played by Gail O'Grady who's been in 10,000 things and also appears to have had extensive plastic surgery so her face doesn't move much when she bosses Young Champion around. Patty arrives and is much nicer to Young Champion and also if I were Young Champion and I had a coach that was Canadian Handsome like Patty I would have a hard time paying attention. Bitch Mom lays into Patty that he better deliver because Young Champion is a YOUNG CHAMPION and she will murder him if he fails (also not actually expressed but you know that's what she meant.)
Patty shouts out random figure skating terms and someone who is not actual Young Champion does some fancy moves on the ice pretending to be her, while Bitch Mom screams from the sidelines that she sucks ass. Is that all a figure skating coach does? I could totally be a coach then. TRIPLE SALCHOW! DOUBLE TOE LOOP! QUADRUPLE CHEESEBURGER!
Patty meets Emily in the weight room and tells her he loves her (no, just that he loved her skating) and he can't believe she vanished. Dude, she has a dead mom, leave her alone! Emily is like yeah, okay, whatever dude, and Bitch Mom texts Patty that she's sharpening her knife for MURDER.
Skate Sharpening Man gives Patty a key to the rink even though they literally just met and then we cut to Hildy and Emily having a party in Emily's mom's honor and it turns out that Emily's mom was awesome. Most moms are, so you're not special, Emily. Patty shows up even though the cafe is closed and says he needs to speak with Emily and GO AWAY PATTY SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU. He wants to talk about Young Champion's Bitch Mom and honestly, he's supposed to be a good coach so I'm sure she's not his first student and I guarantee Bitch Mom is one of many bitchy skating moms so if he doesn't know how to handle her that's on him. Grow a pair, loser. He wants Emily to be his co-coach because he thinks that's how he'll get in her pants and honestly, that's what's going to happen so it's not really a bad plan. Emily agrees because she also wants to get in Patty's pants. Young Champion says they'll be the The Three Musketeers and oh my god it's only the first commercial break; this movie is slooooooooooow.
The Three Musketeers go running and Young Champion bitches that she's a skater not a runner so WHY and are you serious? Emily and Patty work on choreography because while Bitch Mom insists on greatness there's no way she's paying for a choreographer even though most skaters have both and she's a crazy mom so she would totally actually have one but this gets our two lovers to spend more time together and bluuuuurgh they have no chemistry so I'm really bored with them.
According to Patty, Emily is even better than she used to be which I find hard to believe because she's like 35 and while I'm not saying a 35 year old can't be good at skating there's no way in hell they'd still be competing in the big leagues (the average age of an Olympic skater is 22 years old). Although the person playing Emily when she skates is probably only 22 so maybe Emily can be a champion if she continues to use a body double! Can I be a champion, too?
We are nearly 1/3 of the way through and the very first person of color has arrived on my screen and while I know that figure skating is not a diverse sport, come on Hallmark, you can do better. This woman is a reporter coming to speak to Patty and Young Champion but I'm guessing she'll be more interested in Emily's inevitable comeback story and also Young Champion hasn't actually won (or even qualified) for anything so why the hell would a reporter care about her?
Patty tells Young Champion they should "work on spins and focus on centering" and that is some top notch coaching right there. Emily does some fancy footwork nearby and the reporter notices her and oh no, Emily, you're going to be on Bitch Mom's hit list now too, you moron. Young Champion works out in the weight room (but doesn't complain that she's a skater not a weight lifter) and Emily says she's going to compete against her at Regionals and is that how it works? There's like a 20 year age difference so would they even be in the same category? And can you just sign up and skate without any sort of qualifying anything? I'm going to go sign up! I can't skate even a little but I can put on a sparkly costume and wave my arms around! Everyone's going to Regionals! It sounds like fun!
Emily's body double practices and Patty watches and her moves are so good he wants to bang her right there on the ice. Patty coaches both of them again by just shouting things out and then he decides to show them some moves except he doesn't get a body double because Andrew Walker is Canadian so of course he can skate. Then they're at Hildy's cafe and she brings them grilled cheeses and Emily is like "why didn't you ask me to help you make these" because apparently grilled cheese is hard to make and Patty is like "I'm not really a grilled cheese kind of guy" because apparently he is a fucking loser.
Emily appears to live right above Hildy's cafe so Patty "walks" her home but then she can't get the key to work so he helps her and it looks like he's going inside to do it with her and Bitch Mom sees and OH NO two consenting adults are hooking up (except they're not because it's Hallmark and Patty just goes home.) Bitch Mom is not pleased with this development, and honestly, I don't blame her. She hired Patty to coach her daughter and he started coaching both Young Champion and Emily at the same time which is not what she paid for! I'm going to start calling her Rational Mom!
Ugh, I need Patty to have better hair. He looks like freaking Edward Cullen.
Emily is working a kid's skating party and Patty shows up and he's like "I'm not a kid's party kinda guy" because even though he's a fucking loser, he's a pretty smart one. But then Emily puts on disco music and that tempts Patty out onto the ice and man does he have some dad moves out there. Emily cleans up from the party and Patty helps and he says he wants to go someplace where adults hang out and the way he says it, I'm concerned it might be some kind of sex club. But it's just a pizza place because no child has ever gone to a pizza place. Patty insults Emily about her life choices but she still almost kisses him goodnight, but because it's Hallmark that can't happen until the end, so instead she tells him about how her mom got sick and died and that's why she quit skating. Your mom would have wanted you to follow your dreams, Emily!
Patty is spending a lot of time focused on Emily and not on Young Champion and Rational Mom would like a word with him, please, and she is 100% right, you are a shitty coach, Patty. She says that either he coaches Emily or Young Champion but not both, and this seems like a valid request. Patty chooses Emily even though I don't think she's paying him, but that's ok because she'll pay him with sex. See, Emily is a prostitute. Oooh, wouldn't that be a twist!
Some woman named Leslie shows up and she's apparently Young Champion's new coach (and Emily's former coach) and she's gotta be better than that idiot Patty. Young Champion better freaking win, but she's not going to. The 35 year old who hasn't competed in 8 years will win because of LOVE.
Emily shows up at Patty's house and it's pretty nice for a guy who works for payment in the form of sex. Maybe he's a prostitute too! Damn, I should write these movies. Patty made dinner and there are like 8 servings for just little old him because that's how cooking works when you live alone and unfortunately I relate to Patty all too well in this situation and now I'm upset that I'm showing any sort of empathy for this loser.
Emily walks into Hildy's cafe and it's all dark because HILDY IS DEAD! Ugh, no, it's just a surprise party for Emily that's actually a fundraiser so that Emily can stop paying Patty with her body. It looks like the world's shittiest fundraiser which is either a horrible idea because no one is going to pay for any of this garbage OR it's the best idea because people will feel sorry for how pathetic Emily is and give her all of their money. WHICH THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO PUT IN A LARGE EMPTY JAR OH MY JESUS WHAT IS HAPPENING THIS IS THE TRASHIEST FUNDRAISER.
Leslie is a hard-ass coach for Young Champion, and Hildy comes to flirt with Skate Sharpening Man, and Emily goes to see Boring Friend at work, and no one cares about any of this because these movies barely have a main plot, let alone interesting sub plots. Boring Friend wants to use Emily for an ad campaign because everyone remembers her and no, everyone does not remember a failed skater who hasn't been on the ice for 8 years because barely anyone remembers who the gold medalist from the last Olympics was! (It was a Russian, and I only know this because as I said before I FREAKING LOVE THE OLYMPICS. But I don't remember her name or what she looked like or anything about her, other than she did lots of jumps in the second half of her routine which got her more points and everyone was like but what about the artistry?)
Leslie says some nonsense about Emily being a feather in Patty's cap but I'm not really paying attention because I don't care. Hildy tells Emily to stop being a waitress because apparently the shitty fundraiser earned enough to pay all her bills. Ok, sure. Boring Friend gets the company to agree to use Emily and this is so dumb. Leslie talks to the reporter because yeah reporters definitely care about who is coaching random skaters who haven't even won anything and accuses Patty of wanting to coach her to boost his own career. NO HE IS COACHING HER TO GET IN HER PANTS. And haha, the reporter asks about that too. Oh great, this is going to be The Big Misunderstanding. Emily storms off and quits! Oh no! Now what's going to happen?
And MOTHERFUCKER I paused the movie and when I hit play it went back to the beginning. NO I DO NOT WANT TO WATCH THIS MOVIE AGAIN. I skipped ahead to where I thought I left off but actually went too far and I don't care enough to go back. ANYWAY, now Patty is telling Emily he believes in her but I've yet to see any evidence that she's really that good, even her body double is meh. Emily doesn't want to skate because her mom isn't there any more. Mom always gave her a red daisy after she skated so Patty is 100% going to be running out to the florist now. Now they're friends again and Emily holds Patty's hand and puts her head on his shoulder and I guess that's it for The Big Misunderstanding.
Skate Sharpening Man is proposing to Hildy and I have NO IDEA why and I also DO NOT CARE. This scene is taking SO LONG and I JUST WANT IT TO END I DO NOT CARE ABOUT THESE CHARACTERS IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM.
Is this movie over yet? Rational Mom and Young Champion find out that Leslie told the reporter BAD THINGS about Emily and Patty and now she feels bad so Young Champion finds Emily and tells her she's quitting skating, too. Because that makes sense. I'm sorry your coach is intense. Suck it up, loser. Welcome to the world of competitive ice skating. Kids these days are a bunch of pansies.
Both Emily and Young Champion show up at Patty's and hire him back as a coach even though neither one of them has any money and I'm pretty sure it would be illegal if Young Champion used sex as payment. Oh, Rational Mom is on board, because she is no longer rational, so I'm guessing she'll be paying the bill.
AND FINALLY, we are at Regionals. This is like Glee where they talked about going to Regionals for 4,000 episodes and then it finally happened and it was like...eh. Anyway, Emily decides not to compete. She claims to be doing it because it's distracting everyone from Young Champion and then says no, she'll actually do it because that's how skating works, you don't have to prepare or anything you can just get on the ice and be amazing.
Both Emily's and Young Champion's body doubles do a good job with their routines and don't fall once which is unlike a single skating competition I've ever watched. They're also tied for first place which means they're using a very old scoring system so this Regionals competition definitely isn't legit and I probably should just put on a sparkly costume and show up and I'd still get a medal.
One time 15 years ago my sister and I went to a skating expo for the Boston Skating Club and they announced people as Junior Medalists but it sounded like they were saying "Budda Medalists" because Boston and we still laugh about it. However, this competition does not appear to have any sort of categories, not even MALE and FEMALE and PAIRS and I'm pretty sure Young Champion and Emily are the only competitors. Emily skates to a horrible, horrible, horrible song about "Shooting for the Stars" and it might be the worst song ever. But her body double nails it and Patty greets her with a red daisy. WHO COULD HAVE PREDICTED? THANKFULLY, Young Champion is the ACTUAL champion and Emily places second, and I come in third for just showing up in my sparkly costume.
Cut to Patty and Emily making out (ha, no, it's one kiss, remember which channel we're watching) on the skating rink because remember, this is LOVE ON ICE. And then the movie just kind of ends? It feels like it needed a little more, it just kind of cut to the credits, but really it's fine because I was done with this movie a long time ago.
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